So I started this blog back in November.... it's August 1.... I'm referring to the lost period of time as my cocoon period. I desperately wanted to get better (still do), but life has proven to be too much to add anything extra. I've had numerous emotional and physical setbacks. I am constantly sick, so that drains a lot of my energy. Plus, that adorable newborn has grown into an even more adorable 10 month old, we now refer to as bumbum because she has the most deliciously plump legs and bum. She also thinks it's adorable when I drum on my fat belly and sing various tunes to bum bum bum bum bum bum bum (think yankee doodle dandy, mary had a little lamb, twinkle twinkle little star - just replacing all words with bum). So she is now affectionately called bumbum. While absolutely amazing, it turns out growing a newborn into an almost toddler uses a lot of time and resources. This is my third child, so you'd think I' would know that, but apparently I forgot just HOW much energy it takes. Or maybe my chronic illness makes it seem like more energy. Either way, the last eight months have been pretty much consumed with just surviving. My mental ability to function has gone on a downward spiral to the point that I can no longer have coherent thoughts. I liken myself to Dory from Finding Nemo. I also now say the wrong things without realizing it. For example, I will mean "Please go get the phone." and instead I will say "Please go get the computer." but I won't know I said computer because in my head I see a phone. This obviously causes issues with trying to service clients so I am very limited in my ability to work right now. Even hearing a lot of words is hard to understand. I know that I am hearing English but while I'm hearing the English words, my brain isn't processing it. It feels like when you hear a foreign language that you only know a few words from, like many Americans with Spanish. Most everyone know hola, gracious, etc. So hearing conversational Spanish, you can only pick out a few words. That's my life in English now. There are other cognitive symptoms, but I can't remember them right now. :( I carry around a notebook to write everything I need to remember now because I can't trust myself to recall on my own. I am also still in continual muscle pain and exhausted. Example, I actually had the flu and didn't know it other than I developed a runny nose because I always feel like I have the flu with the body pain and exhaustion. I also had mono sometime over the past few years and didn't know it because that's just my life these days.
I've had days where getting up to go to the bathroom was all I could do - and the bathroom is literally ten feet from my bed. I haven't eaten until four in the afternoon because I couldn't get the energy to get up and get something to eat. The kids were left to eat whatever they could put together. Thankfully Boo is now 11, so she can keep an eye on the baby for short periods of time and get Sunshine some snacks on the days I can't do anything. I know it is hard to imagine someone being so exhausted that going to the bathroom is a challenge. I feel that I'm ridiculous myself. My life is ridiculous. I hate having to weigh out what I want to get done in a day and know I can only conquer one or two things. On the days I have pushed myself, I paid for it by not being able to get out of bed for the next day or two or sometimes four. I have literally lost half a week because I was too active on one day. My house is a wreck, my relationships are a wreck, my hopes and goals are a wreck, my marriage is strained... chronic illness just takes everything from you. So I went through this dark cocoon period. Because I was too tired to do anything, I researched on my phone. I spent hours combing the internet for anything that would help me get better. I discovered a product two months ago that has made a world of difference in my life. It is Fatigued to Fantastic. I order it on Amazon and it makes all of the difference in my life. I am by no means OK, but it has given me the ability to get out of bed before noon and work 2-4 hours/day. That is HUGE for me. That's a few loads of laundry, a trip to the grocery store, throw together a meal, and maybe a shower. It's given me the ability to start to put my life back together. It is by no means the whole answer, but it is a toddling baby step that is allowing me to have a glimpse of hope that maybe I can improve my future. So, it is August 1 and I am beginning now. I am making a decision to spend August healing. To try the different things I've learned along the way to see what helps me heal and hopefully can help others who are dealing with similar situations heal as well.
I mix one scoop in a glass of water and drink first thing in the morning. On bad days, I'll have someone mix it for me and I drink it still in bed. It takes about 30 minutes and then I usually have enough energy to get up. I'll warn you, it doesn't taste fantastic - but it works for me!
It's the start of my Journey.