It’s 1 a.m. and I’m cooking bacon

Posted by Rochelle . on

The title says it all.  It’s 1 a.m.  I had a big day planned for tomorrow so I went to sleep early, 11 p.m. (no, that’s not really early, but it is early for me).  Hubby was up watching football and the baby wasn’t ready to sleep, so I left the baby with him and went to bed.  That move went over like a lead balloon, but I pointed out that she was his daughter too and I needed some beauty sleep (do I EVER).  Flash forward to midnight…. I wake up to Hubby carrying in a crying baby.  He informs me he tried everything and doesn’t know what is wrong, so here’s Johnny!  Or baby.  I spent the last hour trying everything I can to calm this tiny, angry human being.  Finally, she stopped crying after a bottle.  Now, this little one is breastfeeding, but I had just fed her before I went to sleep and there was nothing left in the tap, so to speak.  Luckily, we had some leftover formula from when she was diagnosed with “failure to thrive” at 1 week old.  Problem solved.

Currently, the baby is the poster child for a baby NOT failing to thrive.  This baby is SO fat that I’ve started making fat jokes.  Of course, they are all off color so if you are easily offended I suggest you hit the back button now.  Everything that follows will not go over well.  We joke that she is so fat we will soon have to replace the front door with a garage door so she can fit through.  We joke that she has more rolls than the neighborhood bakery.  You get the picture.  However, when this child is hungry you would think she is STARVED.  She cries like someone just killed her puppy.  My sister does a great impression, “Oh, no.  Oh, no.  There’s nothing in my tummy.  I need to fill it up.  I need to fill it right now.”

So here I am, an hour into screaming baby time (to which my husband would occasionally quit snoring, lift the pillow from his face and shoot me a dirty look.  Better watch it, buddy!  This was supposed to be your problem.  Not sure how you ended up snoozing and I ended up on poop patrol) and  I finally have a sleeping baby, but I’m now wide awake.  So, what’s a mom to do?  I cook bacon, of course…. and run another load of laundry. Sigh.  Ever look around your life and wonder how you got here? Living it RIIIIIIGHT NOOOOW.

I hit 40 this year.  and had a baby.  and lost my job.  and had my 18 year old stepdaughter completely meltdown.  and am about sixty pounds overweight.  and have developed some random medical issues that the doctors can’t quite pinpoint or fix (which helped contribute to the weight gain).  In the past decade+ I’ve survived, in no particular order: multiple lawsuits, family mental health crisis, wicked terrible in-law troubles, going back to college… and graduating, Hurricane Katrina, birthing three children and almost dying once, multiple miscarriages, secondary infertility, purchasing four pieces of real estate and selling one, dealing with a child with attachment issues, building a business, working an incredibly stressful job, and losing my dad in a car accident.

I feel like a shell of the person I used to be.  I used to be vibrant, alive, vivacious.  Now, I’m tired and angry and burnt out and probably have some PTSD (not just throwing that term around – I seriously think I do).  So, I’ve decided to do something about it.  I decided to turn my life around and get back to ME.  Not wife, not mother, not daughter, not stepmom, not business owner, but ME.  I figure there are other people out there going through the same thing, so I am starting a blog to chronical my progress.  Plus, I’ve had so many life experiences, I would love to share them with someone.  No one in my actual life wants to hear me advice – but maybe someone in cyberspace does?  If not, oh well – at least maybe I can make someone laught.  And if I can help even one person to deal with something I’ve already went through, I’d say mission accomplished.  I know what it is like to feel like you are loosing your mind.  Googling how best to handle a situation.  I love when I run across a post from someone who has been there, done that.  Those women on the front lines can say what has worked or not worked for them.  It helped me get through some tough times.  I’d like to provide that for someone else, or even save this as advice for my girls one day.  Pay it forward and all that.  Or, this can just be my space to remember some of the really awesome times in my life and how they turned me into the person I am; then, I can process some of the tough times and how I got through them, release them, so I can get back to the me from before – but better because I went through some stuff and came out stronger on the other side.

So, it’s now really late… and the bacon is cooked (yeah for new found way of cooking bacon in the oven-  I love – it’s the best. and I plan to use it to cook a frittata in the morning.  We’ll see if I actually do that. Let’s be honest, I’ll probably just eat the bacon after waking up around nine.  But, I’m going to go to sleep with visions of a better me already in progress.


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